I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
