you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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