I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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