toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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