just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
