I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
