dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
