I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
