I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
