Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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