Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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