there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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