What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
