Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
