Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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