i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
