Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
