I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
