yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
