i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize