Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
