Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
