..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
