I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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