I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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