Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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