I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
