...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
