your parents love me but you hate me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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