Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
