I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
