I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
