Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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