wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
