and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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