So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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