As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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