Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
