I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
