3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
