So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
