i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
