Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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