i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
