I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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