sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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