At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
