Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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