I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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