Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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