I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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