drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
