i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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