Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
