i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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