Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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