i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
soo... how was my night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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