I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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