first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize