I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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