drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
