She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
